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You did not embrace my life.
I stood beside you as a son beside his mother in ultimate trust. Whereas once mother did not wish to share a life with me, I find it most sad when the woman I love cannot love me. I have found this woman. She is the best thing to every happen to a schmuck like me. It is “always” feeling a need unfulfilled that makes growing old suck. There is this catalyst of light and love and romance where your whole heart and mind and worries flow with this one person. She got me’ I was known and accepted so I thought. It never came to mind that since mother did not want me, I would be attracted to women who did not want me. There is the abusive and lying ex; she was a creation right out of hell and probably reflected my mother’s worst moments traveling through alcoholic rage! What is it about rage that one can not channel that energy into something more constructive? Instead of abusing a child, one should teach a child how to love and feel safe in the world he lives. When mother is not there, when mommy is not there, children have difficult challenges ahead of them. As I have had difficult days ahead of me. It seems life beckons to take away our spirit, but it does not. We are only lost in thought and pain. Those who suffer do not need reflection… I remember a time she was happy with me, as you were happy with me. It was not a mother son love relation; it was mother was happy, so I could be happy. Amazing how much of your life is lived through past fears. I cannot remember a time my past relations have not ended tragic. Nothing diplomatic could resolve our differences, and we could not live in peace. I wanted to hold you, yet you pushed me away. Mom would push me away, and I would say what is wrong with me? Now that you have done so, I can not remove the emotional attachment to the present. How is it I can do so many things by choice, and yet there are areas in my life that no matter how hard I try or pray, love will not work. So I thought long and hard about all this. How my father “wanted” to live a peaceful life and chase women. I can choose the same, as it seems a good profession for any sensible man. My father was a quite man. He was always a follower and abused’ so no one saw his scars as I did. He hurt in ways that only a father in that situation could. He never walked away from his wife… Though she did die a suffering day, she was free from the torment of her thoughts. Later dad died and no one could deny the truth anymore. I stand ready to wait.
Thomas A Sutor P O Box 2343 Lompoc CA 93436 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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