|
|
When
Teardrops fall No More I listened to my
cat purr and show his affections. He
appreciates me, he allows me to come close, and he trusts me.
Is that not what we all want to have from a loving relationship? Too take
with our lover~ I don’t know exactly at what point everything changed.
I can remember an argument in which I am shouting through eyes filled
with tears “doesn’t loyalty mean anything to you?”
And then shockingly disconnecting the phone and ending the conversation. I do not remember what made “that” so important to me,
but I could never disregard the message I was being sent. Even after all my
visits, conversations, and sexual relations I was still not considered
trustworthy or for that matter worth having as a mate. There was no need for revenge; there was no need
for vindictiveness, yet there was just a validation of how critical I had been
treated. I would never look at the
Negativity or harsh judgments because of what I wrote- to express myself.
There were times of praise when I spoke with “my true feelings”, it
seemed as if I was finally connecting. I
thought you had finally realized how badly I need, and I want to be one’ with
you. You would only hold me at a
distance~ afraid of something- I can only speculate at.
I can never get to the real reason why I was not considered compatible? It is a frustration I’ll have to learn to live with.
I tried to disregard commonsense and make a relationship work were only
“one side” really wanted to be in love.
I was convenient to have around; until, I guess that someone special
finally did show up. I would try to deny that my jealousy was
too strong to overcome. I would bow
down and be submissive- once again. If
something is wrong, it was always pointed out that it was my fault.
I began to believe I was the one who always caused trouble, I was the one who
was always unfair, and I was one who is being selfish.
One day I realized that for any relationship to work there must be
honesty and freedom to communicate. I
was being told that my conversations were inconvenient.
I was told I made you feel bad because you feel obligated to talk to me. I was told to deny my passions for true intimacy and just
listen. I listened for a long
time... I began to see that in all
my other gentle and loving relationships, I never felt ashamed to call.
I never felt guilty because I wanted to talk on the phone. And I decided that I do have power. I decided to stand my ground and make my needs known.
It’s amazing when you see the person show you only disregard.
It’s demeaning when you’re told not to call because “it’s
inconvenient.” It shows the true character of the friendship when you cannot
be honest without getting yelled at. And
when you had a bad day, you are quick to point out how I made you so unhappy.
You told me I was scary, you told me I was untrustworthy, and you asked
why I could not be faithful? Everything
you filled my mind with was to punish me. I
don’t think you really meant to punish me, put me down, or always pointed out
how I did not measure up, but you did just those things. Thomas
A. SUTOR P.O.
Box 2343 Lompoc
CA 93438 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
|
