WHEN I WAS ONE AND SEVEN
I saw the movie “Ali-Baba and the Forty Thieves” and was most impressed by the Genii. How great it would be to have a Genii to grant any wish...I knew what my wish would be...to have a friend. A boy my own age who just wanted to be my friend and not expect me to do those “things” with him.
Because I had been used sexually from age 4, by older male members of my family (as well as their friends), I was very shy and withdrawn. I kept to myself, for the most part, and even at school, rarely joined in recess games. I felt I didn’t fit in because all the other kids seemed so happy and full of fun... I only felt sad, and lonely.
One morning, our teacher, Ms. Zieser, introduced us to a new boy in class who had just transferred to our school. His name was Ronald Flagg, and I thought he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen! He had blonde hair and blue eye. The bluest eyes I had ever seen. He would be my first “crush”. As luck would have it, we became fast friends. He was diabetic and had missed a lot of school because of illness. He told me that he had to have his appendix removed a year before because of his diabetes, it had taken months to heal. Like me, he was quiet and passive. I was in love! We did everything together... Science projects- Were our favorites. We both had a fascination with spiders and Ms. Zieser would let us explore the woods behind the school to collect specimens. Oh, I was happy for the first time in my young life! I had a FRIEND! And, the best part was...nothing sexual.
Keep in mind, I was only eight years old at this time but had already had 4 years of continuous sexual abuse. I felt clean and unspoiled when Ronald and I were together. For the first time, since I could remember.
Then, one day he didn’t come back to school, and after a few days I asked Ms. Zieser where he was. She just smiled and said “he has gone away”. I never saw him again. My world crumbled. I was alone and friendless once again.
I began to welcome the sexual activities forced upon me by the older boys because at least someone was paying attention to me. I even initiated the acts sometimes and in due course, as I got a little older, actually enjoyed some of it.
By the time I was thirteen, I was fully sexually active. We had moved from Oakland to Stockton, where my father had been transferred on his job. I was in Jr. High, and all the boys were coming of age “sexually”, so I had an endless stream of sex episodes. Up to this time, I had only engaged in “passive” anal intercourse. When I had heard the word “Queer” it had always been in reference to “cock-suckers”...something I had never done. So, I didn’t consider myself “Queer”. Then I met Carl Robertson, and all that changed! He was blond, blue-eyed and beautiful. My Ronald had come back to me. He taught me to perform oral sex on him and I welcomed it because I had found a “crush” again. I was now a full-blown homosexual.
The question is: Was I born gay, or did I become gay as a result of my early sexual experiences? Unfortunately, I will never know the answer to that question, will I?
Rex D. 10/10/01
