Waterfalls of Fire

I am at a peaceful place, my mind is focused, my heart is disciplined, and my soul~ still seeks for answers? Have you ever tried to stop yourself from thinking? To quiet your mind from the many thoughts that seem to fly through at random? I understand the implication of sharing. It is whispered in secretes, it is forgotten in handshakes, and it longs to be done~ without any regret. If I could speak to you and share my thoughts, I would find the most pleasant experience. The art of conversation is a desirous’ and seldom learned ability. I have seen so many sit at tables- without the ability to talk comfortably. I would never allow myself to stay in such a morbid recreation.

I must have conversation that is fun and enjoyable! There is no happiness in being alone. The person spends their time by themselves, talking to themselves, and soon believing the answers they give themselves. I once allowed myself to live in solitary confinement. I had become sickened at the falseness of romantic virtue. I had become disillusioned with physical love as compared to spiritual love. I allowed myself to do things most disturbing in the most dreaded parts of town. I went to the dark alleys, I looked for the ladies of the night, and I indulged in Demonic pleasure with synthetic drugs. I soon found myself sleeping through the daylight. My mind had become absorbed with the pleasures and the danger of cruising through that section of town. I had lost all concerned for my self-value.

I was not happy with my loneliness, furthermore, I was not happy with boredom. It was something that I did not know’ one could learn to live with, and enjoy. I was focused on excitement, sexuality, and defiance! A rage so enveloped me that the waterfalls of hell could not quench my thirst!~ was I not with justified reason? Did I not have a right to live as destructively as I wished? Would not suicide claim my soul when I no longer had anything left to give? To all these questions and any others that would infiltrate my anarchist self-pity, I would say yes! Yes to destruction, yes to deception, and yes to my own personal agendas! I was so certain that I was doing the will of God because he had cursed me to be a Judas. It was madness. It was something; I had lost all control over.

When people wonder why I trust in God? I smile at their lack of faith. I have learned from my own experience’ with depending on my human, bass, emotions, to guide me. The emotions are not meant to be used for decisions, they are used to emphasize your point. I never realized the power of constructively controlling my emotions. I had allowed them to guide me to their natural end. Emotions do not think of the consequences, feelings did not realize the fear of failure, and superstition prevented me from truly believing in free will. I have the memories of everything that I have done, and God knows why i did them. It is his mercy that I seek’ when I wish to punish. Maybe my attitude towards others would be better off if I remember where I come from.

Thomas A. SUTOR

P.O. Box 2343

Lompoc CA 93438

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