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There is no reason.
I cannot trust myself, and I do not wish to continue. I wanted protection, I wanted relief, and I got only continual morning madness. Day after day it is an attempt to awaken and get to the business of the day. Taking medicine to cope and strengthen my resolve, I do not have the power or the will anymore. People think they understand my motivation, but they are clueless. I decided to keep moving forward without any hope of resolving my frustrations. How does the liquid in the brain determinate after a continual barrage of neurological physical distress? I can only say it makes one more indecisive and confused. Making an effort to meet with people, making an effort to cheer myself up, and making an effort to put off suicide one more day… Why should I continue to live when I have no more control over my emotions or chronic pain? How can I prevent myself from doing harm to myself and others when all I do is lash out at the inconceivable sensations? Tired and finding that tiredness follows me throughout the day has not been easy, and I see things are changing in the way I think, the way I perceive, and the way I communicate. I do not make rational sense or decision; I react and rebel at the unfairness of life! This does not help the situation as it only pushes away all those who know me. Still, is it not better to push away those you will harm` then allow yourself to repeatedly bring painfulness and sadness into their lives? They are not responsible for my life; they can not understand my need, so they try to hold on. It is best if they let go and realize I am crazy. I lost my ability to think rationally and comprehensive. My eyes burn with tiredness and the black circle only grow darker day after day. It is not their fault what happened to me, it is not my fault what happened to me, and it was only an accident. Once the brain stem gets crushed in a fall, all mental objectivity goes out the door. People want to hold on and help me find peace, yet I can only find peace by release. I grow angry with my opinion, as it will take a very quick slash to make the blood flow. Once it begins, it will only be a matter of time before I cease to exist. I wanted love to help me find a way out. I wanted faith to help me find a way out, and I thought I could hold onto hope no matter how indifferent I became because of my unstable nature. As it is, I am fighting to make up thoughts on why it is better to hold onto this butchered life instead of doing what I secretly desire. Maybe one day, I will not be afraid of saying goodbye to this life.
Thomas A Sutor P O box 2343 Lompoc CA 93438 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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