S & M
In the gay community, the term S & M refers to ‘SLAVE-MASTER’. There is a faction that enjoys being dominated, and also, those who enjoy dominating the other. This is a mutually agreeable action. There is almost always a sexual implication…they “get-off” on it.
However, in the ‘straight community’, most of these submissive, aggressive relationships, are foisted one upon the other through circumstances. It is my experience that there are two types of people. 1. The passive/submissive, individual. 2. The dominant/aggressive individual. Two passives can cohabit without much friction, as they are both of the same mindset. The passive, dominant pairing can be a workable situation, providing that both parties are able to accept it. The most difficult relationship is that of two dominates. When both are aggressive and want to control the relationship, there are often insurmountable clashes.
Take my relationship for example. I am passive/submissive and my roommate is dominant/aggressive. I spent 8 years with a lover who was extremely dominating; physically and verbally abusive as well. My roommate is neither of those, but is dominant non-the-less. I suppose after being submissive all of my life, I can’t survive unless I am being dominated in one way or another. At 61, It’s difficult to change old habits. I have learned by trial and error, that I will always be drawn to a dominant personality. My roommate is ‘straight’, which is an unusual pairing (me being gay). I am ‘in love’ with him--he ‘loves’ me as a friend, nothing more. At first, I wasn’t certain that I could accept this, but as time passes, I have learned that my desire to be with him overrules our ‘differences’! It is compromise that keeps our relationship going. I do the compromising. He makes the decisions, and generally calls the shots. At first, it hurt my feelings when he over-ruled much of what I tried to do, or attempted to say. I felt that he thought I was stupid and had to be corrected all the time. Now I realize that it is just his way. The way of the true dominant personality. The best thing is, that he is not cruel or unfair. Just… always right…I’ve often said, “there are only two ways to do something…his way or the wrong way…” HA HA “!
An even stronger bond between us is that we are both Christian. Some may question the ‘Gay Christian’ issue; Only God has the right to judge me. He may hate the sin, but He loves the sinner. I wasn’t born gay…I was made gay by a childhood sexual abuser who was a ‘straight’ man. (Read ‘Only Babies Cry’)
At any rate, I
ran away from past relationships when the dominance became too overwhelming.
Now that I have 18 months of sobriety behind me, I am slowly beginning to
feel less and less passive/submissive. Oh,
I’ll always be passive, just not as submissive.
It actually depends on the mood I’m in at the time.
Barometric pressure has a lot to do with it too.
When the pressure is high, I tend to feel more oppressed and prone to
depression. It is during those
times that I am most vulnerable to the dominant/aggressor.
It is also at those times that my sensitivities are more acute.
My feelings can be hurt over things that normally wouldn’t bother me
much.
At
a support meeting this morning, I
was reminded that as long as I accept myself for
who, and what I am…and trust that God does the same, I will not only stay sober,
but will grow as a person. “To
thine own self be true”.
So, today’s lesson kiddies is to recognize where we are coming from, not let ourselves be bullied by anyone, and trust in God. When life gets too much for us, give it to God and He will take care of it.
Rex
D
