Please do not lose those tender feelings…

In anguish I am without you. My soul retched with misery. My heart is disturbed, and I find no peace. You are the most glorious creature that God has ever created. I enjoy your imposition and your delightful ways of dealing with life! To have never felt so much serenity and sexuality all at once. To be torn from you is to be left without an arm. How I miss you that much. I remember our enchanted conversations. We lay together naked as innocents would permit. Fully delighted in our sinful ways, we take no heed of any orthodoxy. In this wonderful memory, I now realize sin ‘twas believing that I would be young forever. How I wish we had met much younger.

How I wish you could have felt my needs, how I wish you would have understood my predicament, and how I cried every night when you left me. Abandoned, I feel the cold sting of reality destroying all my faith in heaven. How can there be a heaven when I’m denied my angel? How can there be a heaven when the Devils delights: Please me so, and how can there be a heaven when you no longer talk to me? These are the agonies of romantic disappointment. I would hold you close to me, and you would whisper in my ear. Soft and light your voice fell upon my endearing heart. You touched me deep inside, and I was happy. And now I am chastised by Satan himself who laughs at my foolish desires!!!

Is an obsession a decision, or is it a fatal human flaw? For I have loved you as no other, and I now must pay the price for such greed. Broken and desolate I lie in my own filth. Surrounded by demons whom haunt me and chastise my dreams. The dreams I have of you in a pleasant place, in a pleasant time, I look into your eyes, and see your smiling. Before I can take hold of your hand, I am shattered from this illusion upon awakening. And I stare around at my bare surroundings wondering how it all went so wrong? And though I do not hear your cries, I know you long to be with me as well.

Knowing how very short life is, knowing "I do not" have a definite answer about what happens when we die, knowing I may never see you again, I feel cursed and wish I was nailed to a Cross. I wish I could be the Christ! With his infinite power and total superiority over nature, I could work the love to save your soul… And in heaven we would laugh and laugh and laugh!!! Maladies in the night- once again, and I see my foolish demented mind has been playing tricks on me, again! We have been denied the right to fall completely unreverently in love. It is at this point; one of the Roman officers’ breaks my legs and plunges that sword into my side. And I cry out~ Father, why have you forsaken me!!!

Thomas A. SUTOR

P.O. Box 2343

Lompoc CA 93438

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