Pain Journal April 6 2004

Check out this crazy site!! passionbarn.com You would not believe what is on the internet

Other Links on this strange ancient beast BarnyardModels FarmFlics Filthy Farm

Pain Journal

April 6^th 2004

It has become more difficult to keep rational thoughts in my head. Today I awoke to a most excruciating head pain. It traveled all the way down both arms, and continues to clamp down on me as I write this. I took an extra dose of pain med to make it go away to no avail. It seems to be at the back of my neck as if someone tied a metal clamp on my upper spine just where the brain stem is. This is not good as that is where I had the tumor removed. I wanted to get an MRI, so I could check to see if the Tumor has grown back, but I cannot afford the $2,200.00 that it would cost to get this done. I am hoping when I get some extra cash, I will one day be able to do that.

As it is, I have been very erratic. I have not been able to get out of bed before 11:00am and usually later. I wanted to go get some type of regular work, so I could get their insurance plus` I like working. Yet with what I going through right now, I can see I would only be a liability to a company. It seems to me that the pain is getting worse. I had a few months of great pain control. I have put myself on a regiment of Ultram 2 pills every 6 hours, and this had made my pain less troublesome. However, over the past month and a half my behavior has become inconsistent. I was at the point of suicide these past few weeks, and I thought it would be best for all, especially me.

I have pulled out of the suicide mindset, yet the pain has taken a dive for the worst. I fear if it continues to rise, I will not be able to maintain my self employment. I am still pursuing Social Security, but the lawyers are approaching mental illness as the only reason I need it instead of the Chronic Pain, and what it is doing to me. However, maybe that is not such a big deal to me anymore as I can now admit to myself that I am acting very strange and defeated. The pain is so severe, I find it hard to stand or keep my eyes open. I just want to lie still and not move anything, yet this spinal/head sensation is becoming very disturbing. It is not easy to watch your life and sanity be stripped away. I wish there was a treatment to reveres the neurological distortions.

I had thought to seek out companionship, but I am seeing it would be better for me to face this thing alone. I can now see, I will push everyone away in time. It is not that I really want to be alone, or not talk to them. It is more I want to not feel guilty when I do decide to check out. And if they do not know where I am, they will never know if I have died. It is a morbid thought I admit, yet who in their right mind would wish to forcefully live with unending neurological chronic pain? The pain pills only mask it to a point, the medical marijuana only takes your mind off it temporarily and if you smoke too much, you become paranoid; as well as, you lose the ability to think clearly. I have reduced my intake of that to a single puff at bed time` just to calm my mind and the pain. There is no way one can work using it, for you forget things quite easily when it is in your system. Maybe that is why some people abuse it like alcohol; they are only trying to escape.

I am not seeking escape in that manner. I want to continue to learn and get an education, and you must have a clear mind for that. It is not easy for anyone to deal with chronic pain. I am ending on my 4^th year, and I fear it is not going to be a very easy 5^th year. Having the added problem of depression does not make it any better. As for now, I am not suicidal. I am at a loss as what to do. If I continue to suffer at this high sensation, I will lose my resolve for my own personal life. Only those of you who suffer with this condition can understand my plight. It seems more and more people get this condition, and that is something that needs to be looked at. I am more angry than afraid of the future. I know I will not allow myself to get to a point of uncontrolled pain. If my head continue with these severe headaches on top of all the other problems, I have no answer…

I continue to do nerve massage. It does help with loosening up the muscles. However, it does not eradicate it. The nerve disorder just goes to a part of the body you do not treat. My body is affected from head to toes. This constriction and stiffness caused by the nerve damage affects my hands, my arms, my legs, and back. When I work it out of all these areas, I guess it goes into the brain, the only place I can not do nerve massage as the brain is underneath the skull. If I stop the nerve massage, all my body parts tighten and then I am without freedom of mobility. So, I do not know if this helps you out there? I do have one friend who makes every effort to help me deal with it. He is one in a billion. Yet, I can see even he is tiring of my problematic personality. My situation will only become more erratic and unpredictable, and I do not think it is fair to put anyone through that on a continual basis.

Today everything in my upper body has become stiff and painful. I do not know how I will continue to make ends meet, or if I really feel it is necessary to continue without any end in sight. You would not believe I was once a very confident person. Luckily even with all my current drama and losses, I have a good attitude. I think that extra dosage is starting to subside the head problem. I am going to shower and hope I can still pull off getting a regular job, and do my computer repair in the evenings. I might take on a night job if I do not decline, as it seems the later afternoon and nights have always been my best. For those who continue to check in on me, I thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts. I am doing the best I can with a very rare high level pain problem. I have yet to try acupuncture, so who knows? There might be alternative medicines I have yet to get involved with. Good luck on your chronic pain, and do not be too hard on yourself if you find you are pushing people away, I think it is just another sad fact of this disease.

Thomas

All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...

1937 American Life