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Never Surrender
How many times have I wanted end my own life? Most people are too afraid to be honest that they have had thoughts of suicide. For some reason, we find it easier to keep the secret until it kills us. The thing we fear most is to reach out and tell someone that we are hurting. I myself have been lost in the illusion of pain and rage. I was so sure of myself that I wanted to die. In reality, I wanted so desperately to share my fear of life with someone else. I wanted someone else to feel the damnation and condemnation I believed I deserved. Yet usually I was too afraid to share this with another, for I feared what they would think of me. I asked myself though, if one of my close friends was thinking of taking his life or her life. I would do everything in my power to help them overcome this dreadful desire. A desire that reaches deep into your heart and pulls the strings of your mind into a hopelessness far greater than it actually is. A feeling of racing thoughts pounding your brain, as little demons convict you. I should take my life, I should end it now. Over and over the final victory of depression. I cannot be comforted with words for my mind wishes nothing more than to cease to exist. Commitment to life is no longer an option. I dare not open up to my friends and tell them of my plans. How would they think of me? They would make fun of me? They’d be cruel and unkind and tell me to get over it. Like I have the ability to control this desire of self-destruction? My friends are too afraid to care. My friends are afraid of their own thoughts. My friends are unable to help me. How did I ever find such wonderful friends? I have convinced myself life is not worth living. I take the instrument of my destruction and use it. For them I will be a tragedy, but they will go on. I’ll become a distant memory. They’ll never know my fears of life, they’ll never know my pain of living, and they will never understand how hard it was for me. Finally, I will have peace. I will leave them always wondering. They will wonder why I never called; I can no longer call them. I have permanently scarred them with sadness. I forgot the most important thing is that a real friend never surrenders. Thomas A Sutor P O Box 2343 Lompoc CA 93438 |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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