Let me keep the memories

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Let me keep the memories…

She was the only woman that never left me. I held her hand and contemplated her need. She dreamed of terror and found life hard to face outside her crystal box. I enchanted her mind to walk through the dreams and find me on the other side. I will pray she always finds me on the other side. A place of diversity and reliability. There can be no amount of time that should hold one in anger when the reason for leaving was my own mental sanity. It was that I could no longer agree to put my emotions on hold, and she never thought of what I might need. She had her fantasy about me, and I never saw this reality because of my own personal well thought out fantasy. We defiantly had a common ground, and it was not sex, it was in the eyes…

Eyes that I “in time” will remember with fond affection. If she has any true appreciation for what I am, she will let her hate and sadness release her anger. Once she has cried and seen what I was really trying to do, she will be more forgiving. She may have thought I lived in a limited capacity as a Lover, yet that is no further from the lies we told ourselves’ about our own selfish needs. I had only to comprehend she was never going to see the reality of possibility and instead stayed safe in her illusion of security. It has been hard to do what I did. I did not do it because I did not appreciate her as a friend; I did it because my mind and soul have convinced my spirit that is it better to have love and loss, then to never love at all. It came down to that famous archaic saying…

Set them free, and if they love you in time they will return. I hope one day she will return. I hope before I find a wife or life mate, as it would be hard to fit her into that reality. Yet, it is better I know not what she is doing because she did not want to do those things with me. I was able to work and strive and if all works out, will she not feel foolish for not seeing what I had to offer in a loving relationship? I do not know, and in time I will not care as I will move forward and allow my mind to be open to opportunity. There is no rule that anyone has to accept defeat. I do not, and she does not. It just did not work out. Her plans are dashed, my plans are dashed, and we see eachother no more. I have felt this loss before~ that it is not as painful this time around. I did not mean to hurt her with my sudden change, it was not planned.

As I have let the years go by, life has shown me many wonderful and terrible things. How I survived to into my current age, I do not know? It must have been just dumb luck. Here I am in this house with grandchildren, and youngsters all my own. I did not plan any of it, it just happened one day when love opened my heart once again. I see her standing before me, and I am glad that I did not try to control the past. It is life in its many wonderful surprises taking hold on this old heart that I do not regret what we have done, and I could not have created this future without her help. She knew what was best and because of what she did, I have found true intimacy with a live in friend.

Thomas A Sutor

P O Box 2343

Lompoc CA 93438

Rockhawk.com

All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...

1937 American Life