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Let me go
It is far better to leave me while I am still able to maintain a façade of concern, then to wait and wonder what will be the day. I do not like living in my body, nor can I handle the mind searing pain that is only held in check by high doses of pain medication. This is not the life I want and after 4 years, it is not the life I will learn to live with. You can do what you want to feel sorry for your self or for me, but it will not change what I go through on a daily bases… You have sound thoughts, and you have goals and plans, and I am glad you can enjoy the life you live. I live in fear of myself and my emotions, and it is not a condition I expect you to understand… I thought if the right person could inspire me, I would be able to handle any situation that came my way. It was unrealistic to think any amount of human good will had any power to relieve me of my distress. It is more my responsibility to deal with my symptoms. For doctors, and medical professionals can only offer pain medication. Yet, after 20 different types of pills and routines of treatments, I have only become more subjugated to the nerve damage. It is easy for outsiders to misconstrue my resolve and blame me for being too weak willed. However, I do not know of anyone in Chronic Pain to be without will power. It is just at some point, the mind and emotions can handle it no more. I have reached that point. I have taken my close friends and pushed them away. I do not need them watching what will surely happen in the next few weeks. It is not easy making a choice as grave as this, but it is worse to lie to yourself that` it is only a temporary condition. When you feel weak physically and mentally, it is no longer enough to get through the day, after day, after day… In a way, I hope they understand my plight. On the other hand, they more then likely` will just be angry with my selfish decision. It is not they who live in my mind, it is not they who feel my neurological dismay, and it is not them who must decide how much longer I should continue with this condition… Everyone has their own ideas about what is important to their quality life. As much as I can appreciate others points of view, there is always my personal needs that must come first as to what I think is important to my quality life. I think it is important to have a sound mind and body. I think it is to be reasonably safe in your home and community without the constant struggle of survival. I do not wish to survive, I want to live. When one can only get by in life, it is not living, it is living a lie. I do not care to lie about what I need anymore. I am tired, and I can no longer put on the hopeful future ideology. There is no hopeful future for me, there is pain and confusion and misery. Maybe those who fear death will choose to live in this reality, but I am not one who fears death.
Thomas A Sutor P O Box 2343 Lompoc CA 93438 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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