Indecisive Indecision

Why is it, I can never maintain clarity about my future? Why must so many questions enter, and tear into my mind? Do I not know what I want out of life? All these questions and more seem to infiltrate my conscience and con me into uncertainty. Even when I am focused on the object of my desire, I have so many uncertainties racing through my thoughts. Do I control my destiny, or does God? Do I really have free will or is it all in my imagination... Is there a grander scheme of things that I only seem to fit into place with momentary inspirations? One man’s ability is all I have. Therefore, I seek to be in the places where I think I’ll be closest to those who share my ideology.

Life is a chaotic jumble of destruction and treachery. Only by the honesty of my friends have I become known to myself. When they have the courage to tell me who I am even when I don’t want to hear. I think I hide my selfish abrasive nature from the world. I pretend I am strong and self-supporting through my own means. I tried to disregard all the people~ God has put in my life. I questioned wisdoms legitimacy! I denied insight into my own character! I refused to trust in the power of love: for the fake security of finances. I actually thought money would protect me. My shallowness of character I would never admit to myself. I was certain with enough security; I would finally be happy. How is it, I could not be happy with whom I am today?

If I put my trust in money, it will last if I’m lucky till the day I die. It will not protect me from the judgment of my conscience or love. Love will not tolerate my desires for greed, love will not help me save money for myself only, love will abandon me and leave me to a living hell until the day my life is terminated. I will not put my trust in something so immaterial to the Great Spirit of life. I will say my prayers, I will save my money, I will share my wealth, and I will have peace of mind. Soundness of mind does not come from acquiring false securities in people, places, or things. My human side tells me to get riches, and I will be happy. My mind says get knowledge, and you will have guidance. My soul says never sell yourself out, and always believe in love.

Unlearning day by day the falsity of material and worldly wealth, I truly learned to trust on God. His love is the ultimate safe house for my heart, mind, and soul. My decisions become clear once again when I realize God has always been in control of my future. The times that are hardest in my life are when I struggle with~ trying not to believe. Confused that belief means guilt; confused that belief means shame, confused by the trickery of evil motives. If I’m going to be true to myself, I must always strive and struggle to remain open~ to a heart filled with love and perseverance. I will not be confused about my life, or my place in it. I will embrace kindness, trustworthiness, and truth. I hear these are the keystones of all successful relationships.

Thomas A. SUTOR

P.O. Box 2343

Lompoc CA 93438

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