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I was never mentally stable I can not tell people what to think, for I do not know how to think for myself. People think they know me, but they are wrong. I am not something to be figured out. I have a head and a brain, and I can turn feelings off at any moment it gets too overbearing. I do not think people understand my plight, and I do not think anyone can help me get over myself. Yes, I am selfish when it comes to what I am soon to do. I find it sad that I can bring such happiness to others and then just throw it all away on a whim? Now if this is not some sort of mental malfunction, then I do not know what is? At this point in my life, I am not searching to fit in anymore. I have become filled with frustration and hopelessness. I think it is good to let go of hope when your future will consist of more broken relationships. I am not sure how I came to be such a self absorbed person? Was it the abuse of childhood, was it the abuse of strangers, or was it an overload of year after year of disappointment? Probably I will never really know why I do what I do; I just want it all to stop. There is only one way that I can really be free of my drama, yet I know people will be sad and questioning when I commit suicide. They will ask themselves had they been a little more forceful, had they been a little more open, maybe I would have found a way to be content. My finances are low, and I can probably keep afloat for another month on credit cards alone. Once that income is gone, I will be setting up my final goodbye party! As I have wanted to die since I was 12, I am now in a place where I can do it without having anyone depend on me for moral support. This is my choice. I see that I have hurt those closets to me before I chose to kill myself, and now they will only curse my name and my grave. It will not matter at that point as death has a way of erasing all thoughts from ones memory. My friends all want to live and enjoy the struggle of survival. I do not enjoy any of this, so I will take my way out. Friends and lovers think I am mean because I choose not to continue in the struggle with them. I had a close friend who has already gone to the other side; she suffered from the same pain and emotional traumas. She blew her head off with a shotgun. I do not care for that bloody of a mess. However, I am trying to figure out if suffocation with a plastic bag will do the trick, or must I slice my wrist in the bathtub and slowly escape this reality? Who knows, maybe I will find a better way? The body and mind do not want to die, yet “the soul” controls all body parts. My soul has had it with continual suffering. Therefore, do not cry for me. Cry for your own unfortunate life…
Too my readers. This is old stuff of many moons ago. To those who keep up with my written word, we are still publishing works from book 4. Book 5 has been started, and there will be uplifting writings to come, yet life is about all the emotional states we go through...
Thomas A Sutor P O Box 2343 Lompoc CA 93438 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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