It is that` thing right there that stands in the way of my happiness! Why it exist, where it comes from are not for us to know, but we will feel it when it has blocked a very hopeful union. But maybe you should reconsider your anger. If friends means always saying I love you without actions, than words are even more powerful including even the strongest physical lust! For can one put love into only a physical union? No.., that is not the way of love. Love transcends and comforts and allows no intrusion when it is not welcome. It can hold tight your ability to focus on the good thoughts, yet why should I? Is it not love that fooled me into promise and passion? Was not the physical` not as important as the words spoken?

    And That` just stands up and says: you can not have this. You do not understand what is wrong? You really do not get it. You are alone and confused and sourly discouraged by the efforts of romantic pursuit to be told you are not the one. Then you look at yourself and rage at what is the problem? A swirling band of emotional rejection, you bounce back into a not quite so equal footing. Life is free to do as it wishes, and you see what you would do, and cry because they can not. You want to be strong, you want to show fortitude, you want it your way, and you want it their way. Sometimes their way is not your way, and you must walk alone... It is a known feeling. You are no stranger to this feeling…

    It seems to follow you as if the gods themselves chained a fractured soul to your heart. You can not break from her, and you can not have her now. This causes unrestrained madness, and you pound your chest and pull your hair and scream! Let me out!!! Let me out! let me out… Silence falls around the room and you drop to the bed. Why lay on the floor when you have a bed? You laugh at your self, and you see it is all uniquely terrifying. If it just did not haunt my soul, I could tell the day and the hour I would let go. How can one let go of love? So what are we letting go of? Touches, kisses, intimate joyful guiltless abandon. It is never sex to me; it is always about pleasing the other. I learn to please, and I learn to let go.

    I held on because it is my nature. I feel what I feel because it is my nature. I will respect my nature and her nature, for we are not the same. I look to her with something only she can define. I am still very angry at That` it changed our relation, and I must love from afar. A love I know she felt as my focus was always on her. She can feel me and she will smile, I will send her smiles. Our friendship was built on a yearning. A yearning that there are good people. She is a good person, and I am a good person.  We just see things different, and that is fine because we must be true to our inner selves. My spirituality is not a lie when I say I love you, and “that” we both know…