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I am afraid of Me.
What will I do to me? I never thought of that question really, I am always wondering what others are gonna do to me. I have more fears and thoughts of apprehension` when I walk out the door. What is this dreaded comprehension that fills my soul? I am stricken with dread and wander uncertain of the next moment. Bliss or Blast! I cannot decide what to think. Here in the mind of tormented space, I cannot focus thoughts into rational and understandable ways. I am at a loss for words, or I am shouting out way to often, and way too loud! It seems I cannot remember the incident that caused me to begin being anxious. Some are inflicted with this type of disorder. If that is so, how does one find the courage to go get help? What am I expecting to happen if I reach out to another to help me? I have had them use me. I have had them beat me, and I have had it’ with them! I want someone to reach out to me` with out any motives of using me. I don’t care if you use me for a million dollars, or just a penny. Don’t use me!!! I am solid, I have defined emotions, and you are disturbing my equilibrium. What is that you say? I see. My mind sometimes wonders what the motives~ are of other people. I trust my friends, and that is the way it should be. Most people seem nice when I drive, or walk past them. Are they as questioning… as I am? Do they fear me as some antichrist? Or worst, terrorist... If you condemn a whole people to enforce racism, you cause me to wonder about my future. What have I done to you? I just want to live in my community and praise my god of love. Why must you subvert your motives on national TV? I was thinking about the report sent to Briton. They said the USA had found out who opened this can of worms, and I should do my best to disappear ASAP. That man spoke up with some information, and he died. They said: Suicide, Suicide is not taken unless fear of living seems worst. I cannot understand violent people, those who choose to participate in violence. Wars are different; you get good guys like me “being forced” to kill for my country. I would kill for my country if it were demanded` as a right to live here. I think everyone should serve. A whole nation trusting everyone. I would not like a military state. I think it would be too repressive, let the Israelis deal with that. After all, I am an American. I want to know why people really hate the USA enough to fly a jet into our buildings... There is more to this story, and the info is out there. The Internet is the great provider. Now, when the media needs “info” to unseat or uproot a person, they can find it with search engines in private domains. What if they come after me? Paranoia delusions are what killed my father. That is not the way I plan to go. I am gonna take charge of my life, and the way it goes. At least, that is the way the thought starts out. Later, it begins to fade and dissipate through the worries and unexpected tragedies that happen often` in my life. I make a humble beginning each day; too face the world with joys and humdrums!! I am filled with energy~ and focused on ten things at one moment, and I know exactly what needs to be done next. Many days of my life are filled with purpose. Yet, there are times when all hope leaves, and I am left alone with myself. Many thoughts --- as I get older. --- So many memories, so much experience. I could say: life ending at 70: being legal’ would not be such a bad thing... Because I do not think I can stand to live in fear when all my intimate friends have died. My children are all grown. In this tiny room I wait to die, but participate in the activities. It has been a hard life, but the other day a gal in room 2-C was looking at me. I think I will ask her to the movie tonight.
Thomas A Sutor P O Box 2343 Lompoc CA 93438 Rockhawk.com |
All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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