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Pain Journal: February 5th, 2004
Well, today I lost a real good friend. I do not understand what happened, but it was me. I seem to have this nawing mental obsession, and it has become more unstable. Even though my body is now more mobile, my mood swings are defiantly getting harder to handle. I was doing really good there for a while. I was happy, I was energetic, and I was in love. All was ok, and I was making myself a life by working for me. I got my business started after much hard work by me. It has been a continual mind battle dealing with severe pain 24/7, I found out my anti depressants were a part of the cause, and that only kicked me down a notch. I figured I could live without them and for a few months~ my ability to face life was incredible, then the crash... My mood has become more negative, and I feel isolated once again. There are not many people to talk to about my struggles, I am sadly a loner. The nerve massage has defiantly made my body more mobile, and I massage myself daily from top to bottom. It really is a chore, but if I stop the nerve massage, the muscle start to get more paralytic. I hate the sensations and for the past 4 years, rarely have awoke feeling good. I wish I could continue to give you more hope, but my pain is so definite and overbearing that I am losing my ability to think clearly and remember things that just happened. I feel alone and that is probably of my own choosing. I might reach out to more people in the future, but then again, I also think I should have the right to take my life when it has gone on long enough. I have told my doctor that if things do not improve to a more stable neurological state, then in 2 years I will check out. I think that is the main reason I am disconnecting from friends. I would rather they have their memories of when I was fun and optimistic than to see me in my finale days of neurotic depression. If you suffer as I do, I know you hold no judgment on why I think it is necessary to find peace. People who do not suffer chronic pain can never get a real scope of the overwhelming sensations and limited abilities. Typing is still restricted` though I have gotten up to about 300 words in a session before I must stop. There are many others who have chronic pain, and they have continued. I think it takes a will to live and when you feel you have nothing to live for, than why bother. As of late I am trying new meds once again in order to find balance once again. I wanted to up my pain dosage, but my doctor reminded me that I would put myself in a seizure. I take it that that is a bad thing. It feels liberating to be so frank and open about this with all who suffer from chronic pain. I do not hold a moral candle to anyone. It seems that we must all make that decision on our own. Friends who know me know that this pain thing coupled with my suicidal tendencies has been a double whammy! Hopefully, you will find this page continues to get developed and that rockhawk.com will be around for years to come. I plan to redouble my efforts and have even joined a dating service. I find it is most important to keep new things happening in your life. If you only focus on what you do not have, you will give up sooner. This way I know I am doing the best I can to find happiness and inspire others. Medical Marijuana has been helpful and having it legal would take away some stress from my using it as part of my pain suppression medication. I wish there was something to tell you fellow sufferer. And this is what I will tell you. When the lack of sleep has drained all your dreams, when the mourning intensities never end, and when pain recesses through your mind, emotions, and body, you have my permission to take your life. There is no hell, for we have been living it daily for years. To those who choose to stay alive? More power to you, never give up as the saying goes, yet allow yourself times to cry, and weep over your affliction. Thomas
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All written word is "The Opinion" of Thomas A. unless otherwise noted...
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