12. Reasons Why Gay Marriage Should Not Be Allowed

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth
control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile
couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs
more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents
only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed,
since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.   Also,
as further proof of this I have documented a long study which strictly
proves that only heterosexuals are capable of upholding the sacred bonds of
marriage that. Oh, wait, I'll have to get back to this later, "Who Wants to
Marry a Millionaire" is on.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at
all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal
and punishable by death.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts because the
majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the
rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the
values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have
only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal
standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at
home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual
marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new
social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer
lifespan.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a
different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is
always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as
well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will. And let's not forget
camps! If those homos get too rowdy, we can always send them off to go
camping for a bit. Just look at how it mellowed out the Jews in WWII
Germany!


If we really want to protect the institution of marriage, we should adopt a
constitutional amendment that makes infidelity unconstitutional.